THE CASE FOR GRACE AND COMPASSION

Father Richard Rohr, author, theologian and scholar, talks about our experiences of love and suffering as key factors in our shared humanity. Grace and compassion stem from love and are especially powerful in alleviating suffering. Grace can be viewed as someone offering unmerited favor or help to a recipient without asking for any reciprocal aid from the recipient.  Compassion is often viewed as empathic acknowledgement and understanding of another person’s distressing feelings with the intention of helping alleviate the distress of the person. This essay has reflections on Divine Grace, Compassion and Self-compassion.

A good friend once told me that according to her father, God gives each of us a “bag of grace” every day which we can use during the day. My hope is that this post encourages readers to practice grace and compassion each day.

Divine Grace

I love the song, “Amazing Grace”, the famous 250-year-old hymn. The story of John Newton, who wrote the famous hymn, is filled with grace.  John Newton was a sea captain and participated in the transatlantic slave trade, where he transported slaves from Sierra Leone to the West Indies. In 1748, abroad the ship Greyhound, Newton faced a mighty storm. Fearing for his life, Newton prayed to God that he hardly knew, to save him. Newton survived the storm and changed his life radically. He left the slave trading business and prepared for seven years to serve as a Reverend in the Church of England.

Before I talk about Divine Grace, I will note that my experiences of God shape my belief in God or Source and Divine Grace. I do not comprehend the infinite and vast nature of God. But I have experienced life altering and mind-blowing Divine Grace and Love.  Divine Grace saved my butt many times from disaster. However, when painful events occur in my life, I experience anger and frustration. I struggle with understanding why a loving omnipotent and omniscient God will allow for such events to occur. I frankly do not get this.  But I seek comfort in the words of a mentor. This mentor stated that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we may identify the reason down the road and connect the dots. But sometimes, we may never understand the reason in this lifetime.

Authors, like C.S. Lewis, Thomas Merton and Anne Lamott have written extensively about grace.  C.S. Lewis (1940) differentiates between human love and God’s love. Lewis (1940) cites Plato’s description of human love as “the child of Poverty-of a want or lack; it is caused by a real or supposed good in its beloved which the lover needs and desires” (p. 43). In contrast to human love, Lewis describes (1940) God’s love as “far from being caused by goodness in the object, causes all the goodness which the object has, loving it first into existence” (43). Additionally, Thomas Merton characterizes God as not needing anything from people and thus, He has everything to give without any selfish exploitation. I also love Anne Lamott’s description of grace as receiving unmerited favor to help us to progress from states of “stuckness to unstuckness” which we cannot achieve by ourselves. Lamott talks about her two best prayers: “Help me” and “Thank you”. I agree.

At the age of 33, I encountered radical, bold and fearless Divine Grace. Pregnant for the first time, my husband and I chose not to participate in the “gender reveal” of the baby. If the baby was a girl, I planned to name her “Grace”.  During the last month of my pregnancy, my beloved late mother, Anuradha Ganguly, who was in her 50s, had a massive heart attack. Her heart was severely damaged. My husband and youngest brother delivered the news to me.

“I hope that she makes it”, my husband said in a bleak voice.

“She may need a heart transss… Never mind…Noone knows”, my brother stopped himself.

He clearly did not want to add anything else to stress out a very pregnant woman going to the bathroom every 20 minutes. I was already a mess. Not showering for a couple of days and barely eating. Crying. Terrified.  I prayed countless times. “HELP ME, PLEASE”. Then, my anger exploded, “HOW COULD YOU ALLOW THIS?”  Followed by tears and grief. Everything was a blur.  Surrendering my mother’s life to the Divine Lord, I prayed “Thy Will be Done”. Deep down I wanted my mother to heal and recover. But I had to leave it in His will.  God’s Will is unknown territory. No human being knows for sure.  All could end well, or all could go south. I existed one breath at a time. One moment at a time.

My mother had a heart transplant within 2 weeks of her heart attack and lived for 8 years. I repeated the prayer, “THANK YOU”.  Heart transplants are a lengthy process. People die while waiting for a heart transplant. So, the possibility of her getting a heart within 2 weeks was next to impossible. One of the nurses at the UCLA hospital called my mother a “miracle lady”. And a miracle it was that she lived for another 8 years and saw her grandson, my son, and her granddaughter (my brother’s daughter).

My mother’s heart transplant is an example of magnificent and amazing Divine Grace.  Marianne Williamson (2002) writes about God and miracles, where the seemingly impossible is possible. It is hard for the human mind to conceive of how a miracle happens. How do a multitude of factors coalesce across space and time for the impossible to manifest? I have no idea. At times, I think of a miracle as a product of God’s concentrated Grace at a point in time, where God’s Love makes the impossible possible. Divine Grace permits the heart from another person to be functional in my mother’s body.  It is awe-inspiring and majestic.

Compassion

My mother’s heart transplant also demonstrates people’s compassion and grace as another individual agreed to have his/her heart donated to another person.   Contrary to C. S. Lewis’s (1940) discussion of human love born of needing something from another, people at times do selfless actions.

Marianne Willamson (2002) writes about “everyday grace”. For me, everyday grace imprints experiences of love and compassion on the human heart, mind and soul. An example of everyday grace and compassion that is indelibly marked on my mind is one weekday where I rushed out of my home to get a caffe latte at a local Starbucks. It was a crazy busy workday as I work remotely from my home. Starbuck’s café latte was the respite in my insanely hectic day. I love frothy coffee loaded with sugar, full fat milk and whipped up cream. Caffeine in my blood stream jumpstarts me with energy to cope with the demands of a whirlwind of a day. After ordering my drink, I pulled up to the Starbucks window and panicked as I fumbled through my disorganized big purse. I had forgotten my wallet. “Oh Shit!”. No money for the café latte that I was dreaming about. I was bummed out and embarrassed. “Get yourself together, girl”, I rebuked myself.  When I pulled up next the Starbuck’s drive by window, I spoke to the Starbucks barista with regret and disappointment, “I am so sorry to waste your time. I forgot my wallet with credit card”.

“No worries, ma’am… one of the customers started a pay it forward movement and so the customer before you paid for you”, the Starbuck barista smiled widely as she gave me the Caffe Latte.

“Wait. Can you repeat what you just said?”, I mumbled.

“The customer ahead of you paid for you”, she repeated, her red lipstick shining and framing her smile.

“Wow. Wow. Thank you so much. You made my day”, I said, my pleasant surprise soaring into joy.  Gratitude seeped through me as the coffee warmed my mind, body and soul. I wondered who this customer was ahead of me. Who is this incredible stranger? I do not even remember the type of car ahead of me in the line. I wanted to give this unknown Samaritan a great big hug. Thank God for such people. This gift of grace and compassion was unexpected, beautiful and touched me deeply.

Self-Compassion  

In my work as a psychologist, I have discovered that people have the most difficult time showing grace to themselves. We show all the grace and compassion to others, but we are stingy when applying grace to ourselves.  For example, when I make a mistake on a difficult day, my default internal dialogue can at times look like “Oh shit. How could you…? you should know better…?, woman, that was dumbest thing you ever did…”. My inner critic (Internal Family Systems) is wild and outrageous, generating feelings of shame, fear and judgement. Internal Family Systems is a theory based on conceptualizing the self with different parts, with each part assigned to a specific role. To address the internal critic, I reprogram my internal dialogue by asking my internal critic to step aside and give myself self- compassion and grace to reduce my painful feelings, like shame, self-judgment and anxiety. I love applying Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) strategies of radical acceptance and “turning the mind” in generating self-compassion. The strategy of “turning the mind” essentially means not willfully fighting reality but willingness to turn towards my value of self- compassion and working skillfully in painful circumstances. It means doing what works and what matters with self-compassion rather than suffering. The practice of self-compassion is a strength, especially in painful circumstances.

Kristin Neff (2023) defines self- compassion as turning compassion inward when we are struggling or experiencing difficult circumstances.  Neff (2023) did research on self-compassion practices. She defines three main components of self- compassion. First, Neff (2014) discusses the importance of showing kindness to self (increase psychological space and ask inner self critic to step aside to reduce self-judgment). She adds that self- kindness is active in terms of comforting ourselves in distressing times.  Second, Neff (2014) talks about our shared humanity (the human condition includes suffering, and this is common in all of us). She points to the common experience in human suffering where we lament “Why me?” and often feel alone in our suffering.  Feelings of being alone exponentially increase our suffering and anguish. She encourages us to remind ourselves of our shared humanity which means everyone suffers and encourages us to reduce isolation and develop ties of connection with others. Neff (2014) points to the extensive body of research that loss of connections and being alone has negative physiological and emotional consequences. Third, Neff (2014) talks about mindfulness practices (nonjudgemental awareness of painful thoughts and feelings of the present moment and not overidentifying with them but increasing radical acceptance strategies).

Neff (2023) discusses the relationship between self -compassion and positive physical and mental health outcomes. Phillips and Hine (2021) found that self-compassion practices are related to health promoting behaviors, better immunity, improved sleep and avoidance of danger. In reviewing the literature, Macbeth and Gumley (2012) discussed that increased self-compassion is related to enhanced mental health status.

From the biopsychosocial-spiritual perspective, self- love and self- compassion have biological components that we inherit such as our innate temperaments. However, new research, like the paradigm of interpersonal neurobiology, points to our neural structures which are shaped by our interactions with others and the world. Psychosocial factors like attachment theory (e.g. relationships with our care givers and significant others) impact self- love and self- compassion as well. I think of a quote from a movie (name of which I cannot pinpoint). But the quote is indelibly marked on my mind. The quote goes something like this “I am the sum total of all the people who loved me and hurt me”. So very true for me too. Additionally, spiritual principles of God’s agape love or faith -based communities reduce isolation and foster connections.

I believe that self-love and self-compassion practices (self-kindness, shared humanity) facilitate experiences of vulnerability. Vulnerability enables us to share our authentic selves.  Sharing belly aching laughs and our deepest tears of anguish permit us to be seen, heard and understood. It allows us to see, hear and understand others, fostering life- long connections. This facilitates receiving and giving love, a precious gift in the human condition.

Brene Brown (2012) discusses her pioneering research findings that vulnerability is key in experiencing negative feelings, like shame, fear. Brown (2012) talks about vulnerability as the birthplace of positive experiences of vulnerability, love, empathy and authenticity.  She views our vulnerability as key for authenticity, engagement, connection and creation to a life of meaning and purpose.  She identifies experiences of shame leading to shutting down of vulnerability, creativity and fostering disconnection and disengagement with life. She also identifies shame as key contributor to narcissistic defenses.

Conclusion

I believe that greater the trouble, greater the grace. Carpe Diem!

References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the WAY We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. Avery: New York.

Lewis, CS, (1940) The Problem Of Pain. The Centenary Press. United kingdom

Macbeth, A & Gumley, A. ( 2012) Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review. 32(6), 545-552.