Invitation to Readers: Celebrate and Honor Heroes and She-roes

Dear Readers:

This is an open invitation to share, celebrate and honor the she-roes and heroes in your life. This is the follow up on my post on Heroes and She-roes in the Pandemic.  There are countless everyday heroes and she-roes in this pandemic. Some are known and honored in their communities. There are many others who are nameless and silent. This is a space to celebrate the she-roes and heroes: the best of humanity. As Phillip Zimbardo stated, heroes and she-roes carry the life force of goodness in humanity and we need heroes and she-roes now more than ever.

Thank you very much.

Anindita

Heroes and She-roes in the Pandemic

The year 2020 highlights Charles Dicken’s astute observation of duality of human experiences:   “best of times” (heroes and she-roes in the pandemic) and “worst of times” (multiple COVID-19 surges, unbearable losses of human life, strained health care system, attacks on science and medicine which guide public policy, political turmoil, economic crises, rising rates of homelessness and hunger). This is a season of mourning and loss. It is hard to think of this dark winter period as a  holiday season. I do not want to promote toxic positivity or  demonstrating an expansive and overly optimistic attitude during times of extreme difficulty. Samara Quintero and Dr. Jamie Long write about the negative aspects of  Toxic Positivity   which may include minimization, denial and suppression of authentic feelings of despair, sorrow, and anguish which arise when facing difficult times.  In a season of mourning, negative feelings of anger, fear, grief, loss and groundlessness abound.

Without promoting toxic positivity  in these worst of times in the pandemic, there are examples of the best of humanity, such as sacrifices, selflessness, and acts of  heroism in this season. This is when the Divine Spark in people shine with radiance and generate hope that we will get through this pandemic. I love Dr.  Maya Angela’s  quote “How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!” . The purpose of this post is to create a space to celebrate and honor our heroes and she-roes around the world in the midst of the pandemic. This post will also explore psychological and spiritual aspects of  ordinary people doing  extra-ordinary things.

 

Who are the Everyday Pandemic Heroes and She-roes?

These are ordinary people, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, teachers, and grandparents  who step in with courage to help others, raise families, volunteer, and do the best they can to make the lives of their loved ones and communities better and safer. Countless heroes and she-roes. Some of their stories are covered in the media, but, the vast number will remain nameless people who work tirelessly day in and day out. Heroes and She-roes are essential workers -frontline health care workers in hospitals and medical clinics, scientists working on developing vaccines, people who participated in the trials to test the efficacy of the vaccines, mental health professionals, especially those working telephones networks taking crisis calls, and crisis clinics, preachers, healers, grocery store workers, pharmacists, first responders,  police men and women, fire fighters and paramedics. The heroes and she-roes  show us the best of humanity and create rays of hope in a struggling world. 

What is a Hero or She-roe?

Prominent social scientists, such as Phillip Zimbardo, Ari Kohen, and Carl  Jung (psychologists) and Joseph Campbell (mythologist) ,have written about  what makes a hero or she-roe.

Phillip Zimbardo,  a well renowned social psychologist, who started the Heroic Imagination Project, defines four characteristics of heroism. I summarized them to the best of my understanding .

  1. Heroic acts are demonstrated to serve others or defend an defend an ideology.
  2. Act of heroism is voluntary
  3. Person engaging in heroic act knows there is potential physical or psychological risk to self because of heroic action and persons realizes that self sacrifice is involved.
  4. Person has no incentive for external gain or reward

Zimbardo makes an excellent point in differentiating heroism from altruism. When a person does altruistic actions, there may be an ego investment that they may gain positive emotion from the altruistic behavior. However, in heroism, the action is not based on the person’s ego gaining something. In heroism, the action is geared towards something bigger than oneself (non-egoic). I love Zimbardo’s comment that heroes or she-roes are everyday ordinary people, who carry the life force of goodness in humanity in their blood and we need more heroes and she-roes in this time than ever before.

Ari Kohen et al. (2017) argue that heroes are not born, but, made. Kohen et  al. (2017) describe some the key characteristics of heroes. I will argue that their findings also apply to she-roes.

  1. Expanded Empathy. This is where the person is able to take the perspectives of others, not just people, who are like him or her ,but, also people considered as “others” in a divisive respect.
  2. Imagination of heroism. These are people who have capacity of prosocial imagination of heroic action in their particular lives.
  3. Habitual Helper. This refers to heroes being people who have history of doing things to help others throughout their lives.
  4. Special Training. Heroes are people who have the training to intervene when the opportunity arises to help others.

Carl Jung has also discussed the concepts of collective unconscious and archetypes in his analytical psychology movement. The collective unconscious refers to the universal unconscious material which carries certain themes or primordial symbols inherited by every person, across different cultures. Carl Jung defined various archetypes, such as, mother, wise elder. Jung defined a hero archetype in the unconscious mind of every person. In this post, I will refer to hero/she-roe archetype. According to Jung, heroic  action by a person, involved the unconscious hero  archetype emerging from the depths of the  unconscious to conscious mind of the person.

Joseph Campbell, a comparative mythologist who was influenced by Jung’s work, discussed the archetype of hero found in myths across cultures. The hero’s journey can be divided into three basic parts :

  1. person departs from his/her ordinary circumstances  and encounters an immensely different and challenging series of circumstances,
  2.  the person is initiated into the adventure through hearing a call, receiving special assistance from guides and fighting the trials of the extraordinary world. The person  finally encounters the crisis point where he/she has to face his or her ultimate nemesis, and vanquishes the enemy and emerges victorious.
  3.  Then, the person returns to his/her ordinary world, a transformed human being, bringing his or her wisdom or knowledge to nurture his or her fellow human beings.

 Spectacular People:  Heroes and She-roes

In applying the framework of Jung’s archetype of hero and Joseph Campbell’s discussion of the hero’s journey, the emergence of the pandemic of COVID-19 is an unprecedented collective trauma experience, where entire humanity departed from the comforts of ordinary life and encounters a dangerous, unknown and uncertain  world. This new world is where the unseen corona virus is a lethal killer, destroying families and communities, contributing to economic crises, straining the health care system and stealing  regular freedoms, such as walking through the malls, going to movie theatres, family and social gatherings, that we took for granted in the pre-COVID-19 era. In the encounter with the pandemic, many heroes and she-roes have fought their fears, worries and met the demands of the crises. Everyday heroes and she-roes have endured day in and out to care for their loved ones and communities. Essential workers demonstrate courage and bravery in taking care of ill people despite their exhaustion and burn-out. Health care workers and first responders walk into hospitals knowing their lives are in danger every day, embodying Phillip Zimbardo’s definition of a hero. Dr. Joseph Varon hugging an elderly patient in a hospital , as the patient cries to be with his wife during Thanksgiving,  epitomizes ‘herohood”.  This picture is more powerful than a thousand words. Dr. Varon reported that he was hugging to sooth the elderly patient, but, did not know he was being photographed. He also talked about the importance of safety measures, such as masks and social distancing to prevent the rise of COVID-19 surges.

Dr. Taylor Nichols   , a Jewish doctor’s, poignant depiction of an instant of hesitation in treating a patient with Neo-Nazi tattoos is powerful and human. However, Dr. Nichol’s and his team, including an African-American nurse and an Asian nurse, witnessing the intense suffering and fear of dying of this patient, and deciding to provide effective and compassionate care for the patient, demonstrates the principle of expansive empathy (Ari Kohen et al., 2017) of  heroes and she-roes. Dr. Nicholson and his team demonstrate the powerful aspect of being  hero/ she-roes, which is serving selflessly with their knowledge and training to help people, who are part of “others” -others who promote hatred and violence towards them. This also demonstrates Zimbardo’s comment that heroes represent the life blood of goodness which is part of humanity. I believe that this call for practice of expansive empathy, compassion and understanding of perspectives of others, especially those who are deemed as the “other”, politically, religiously, linguistically, culturally is critical for us to work together in a divided nation.

Another example of everyday heroes and she-roes is demonstrated by a social experiment staged by Mathew Bandeira.  Bandeira staged a child actor posing as  homeless child on the streets seeking for help and called the scenario “Would you help a homeless child left on the street?”. This video was posted two years ago (pre-COVID-19) era. It is heartbreaking to see different people  walk by the child. Some of the people who walked by gave the child change in coins. However, the person who offered food and help to the child is another homeless woman. This demonstrates the power and goodness of everyday she-roes.

CONCLUSIONS

There are countless heroes and she-roes in this pandemic. They represent the best of humanity. I believe they act on the Divine Spark within. The placement of heroic action is also based on heroes and she-roes placed in the right place and right time. I believe that is Divine Planning, as summarized by  the statement, “God is in the timing“. One of my colleagues called heroes and she-roes in her life as “God in Skin”, or “Divinity with Skin“. Heroes and She-roes  appear at the right time and right place to save lives and change the trajectory of people’s lives.

 

Addendum:

Dear Readers: Please feel free to post comments and honor and celebrate the heroes and she-roes in your lives. Thank you very much.

Anindita

 

 

 

Endurance: Psychological and Spiritual Reflections

An Exhausted World

The theme of exhaustion (physical, psychological and spiritual)  seems  a key theme in people’s conversations during this holiday season of the pandemic.  I feel the exhaustion too, body, mind and spirit. Dr. Paul Thagard describes COVID fatigue as people experiencing a range of emotions, such as, sadness, loneliness,  anxiety, fear, anger, frustration due to the restrictions from the COVID-19, such as, severe limitations in  outings and social gatherings and loss of other physical activities which facilitated people to create structure, meaning and cope with difficulties. .  This post will explore and reflect on the concept of fatigue, exhaustion, strength and endurance building in body, mind and spirit through concepts in psychology, religion and spirituality.

Psychobiology of  Exhaustion

The Harvard Medical Schools publication of Harvard Health Publishing  , describes the stress response system and how chronic stress response system impairs overall  health.    The stress response system consists of two mechanisms: first the sympathetic nervous system and second, Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis (HPA) . When a person perceives a threat in the environment, his/her amygdala (limbic system) in the brain is activated and this activation generates a series of chemical reactions in the mind and body, resulting in the classic fight or flight system, which the person uses to get rid of the threat. Other stress responses may also be freeze or please. After the sympathetic nervous system is activated (heart beat and breathing rate speeding up, blood flow increase to muscles for action etc.), the hypothalamus, connecting the nervous and endocrine system,  is activated. This leads to the activation of the Hypothalamus, Pituitary and Adrenal gland (HPA) axis, part of endocrine system , which propels the fight or flight response to continue. Chronic activation of the stress response system has been linked with health problems, both physical and psychological.  The pandemic has likely activated the stress response system in many people. The impact of the pandemic may impact people differently based on their individual risk factors (e.g. history of trauma, or mental health issues) and protective factors which help them deal with stress in healthy and adaptive manner.   A powerful protective or resiliency factor is how one perceives the stressful event: as an “overwhelming threat” with minimal coping strategies or “challenge” to conquer with effective coping strategies, resulting in personal gain. The perception of stressful event as a challenge to conquer may likely lead to less experience of negative stress.

 Strength and Endurance Building Strategies

Endurance has also been referred to as strength or hardiness to maintain well being in the most stressful circumstances or resiliency (bouncing back from stressful events).Coping strategies are tools that people use to deal with stressful life events. People’s perception that they have effective tools to deal with stressful events also decreases the impact of the stress on the mind and body. . Coping strategies  have been divided into categories: problem focused  coping versus emotion focused coping.

Problem focused strategies are actively using tools with dealing with problems at hand.  Emotion focused coping strategies is to deal with the emotions of exhaustion, depression and exhaustion. During crises, we may need to deal with feelings and experiences , Hunger, Anger, Loneliness and Tiredness (HALT), discussed by Gudrun Zomerland.  

When flooded with HALT experiences, often due to crises, we tend to make poor decisions, and demonstrate lapses in judgment. In the world of recovery, states marked by HALT characteristics are high risk of relapse. HALT states require us to stop and reassess the situations at hand.

In building strength and endurance in facing difficulties, we need to be mindful of these factors:

  1. Acceptance and normalizing receiving help. There is a huge crisis before us and many of us are struggling in one form or another. It is Ok to ask and receive help. I believe that many people have a easier time with giving help to others rather than receiving help. One key theme in the psychotherapy work that I do is affirming that  it is Ok to receive help. I encourage people to explore what receiving help means to them and help them challenge maladaptive ideas that receiving help is for  lazy and weak people. In the pandemic, I will argue that everyone needs help in some form or another. Human beings are not solitary creatures. If the feelings of the situation are overwhelming, please seek professional mental health services.
  2. Self care: adequate sleep and nutrition, and safety measures for protection against COVID-19. Dr. Thagard discusses that with prolonged COVID fatigue and exhaustion, people may be less likely to engage in safety measures despite their knowledge of safety behaviors.
  3. Physical activities
  4. Positive emotion has been linked with resiliency. Please see post on Positive Psychology in the Pandemic for different practices which have been  linked with generating positive emotion
  5. Seeking support, connection and community
  6. Utilizing healthy self-soothing strategies to deal with negative emotions, such as HALT states, anger, loneliness and tiredness.

    Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy , developed a body of work in teaching people healthy strategies to sooth and cope with negative feelings. One of the powerful strategies of self-soothing is engaging in a calming activity through any one of the sensory systems (vision, hearing, touching, smell, and taste.) Self soothing strategies may vary from listening to encouraging music, watching beautiful flowers, or flickering of candlelight, smell of lavender scent or drinking certain teas.

  7. Cultivate mindset of hope. Part of endurance is making it through day by day, with hope  that difficulties will pass. It is reminding oneself “this too shall pass”. Positive psychologists, such as Martin Seligman and Shane J. Lopez about written about hope.  Margaret Tartakovsky reviewed  Shane Jackson’s book  , Making Hope Happen: Create the Future you want for Yourself and Others. She discussed hopeful people tend to  have core beliefs such as “future will be better” “many paths to many goals” and “obstacles are part of life”.  As a psychotherapist, I encourage client to explore, identify maladaptive  core beliefs and challenge them to formulate adaptive schemas. This challenging of hopelessness schemas is important in this time. In order to cultivate hope, we have to nurture and embrace core beliefs promoting hope .To hope is to be human.
  8. Remembering how we overcame past adversities can facilitate  psychological strength.  Eleanor Roosevelt demonstrates much strength and resiliency in her devastating experiences of adversity where she lost both her parents early in life. She  became a powerful and inspirational icon who championed humanitarian causes.  Eleanor Roosevelt  summed up this idea with her statement:

    “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’

    In my experiences as a psychotherapist, I have found that many people tend to underestimate their psychological strength in persevering through difficult times. I often find myself pointing out to my clients about their strength in getting through and handling difficult things much better than they anticipated. The anticipatory anxiety that we will fall apart in difficult situations is often worse than facing the hardship.

  9. Adopting a growth mindset can be important in building psychological fortitude and resiliency . Carol Dweck developed the growth mindset concept and found that students with a growth mindset are more likely to master difficult learning material as they are more like to view difficulties as  challenges to overcome by trying different strategies. Students with growth mindset seem to be more accepting that learning incorporates struggle and that mistakes are opportunities to learn from and become academically successful.  The growth mindset has been linked with academic success. I believe that this growth mindset can be powerful in creating resiliency in life. Growth mindset and resiliency are critical to handling stressors and difficulties in life. I agree with the statement   that how we handle our failures are more powerful testament to our characters than the successes we experience.  I love the growth mindset because it incorporates elements of self compassion (acceptance that it is Ok and human to make mistakes rather than chase the mirage of perfection), self encouragement (learn from the mistakes without punitive comments about the self ) and psychological flexibility (try different strategies to overcome obstacles).
  10. Envisioning imagery of achievement and endurance is powerful in developing mental strength. One of my favorite advertisements is : “It is a crazy dream until you do it. Just do it” by Nike. I will argue that envisioning a dream is not so crazy because this leads us to achieve it.  One of my favorite women of history is Eleanor Roosevelt.  She said “You must do the thing you think you cannot do”. This quote inspired me to push through and complete the last work needed to set up the blog. I also love her quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I wholeheartedly agree. This demonstrates the power of mental strength and fortitude in moving forward and onward regardless of external obstacles.
  11. Relaxation exercises and rest are critical in building strength and endurance.   Relaxation exercises activate the parasympathetic nervous system (opposite to sympathetic nervous system), which calms the body and mind. Resting means different things to Unplug from the external environment (people, media) for  practices of silence or mindfulness. These practices help us slow the accelerated mind from the sympathetic nervous system.  The importance of rest and recovery is highlighted by the sports psychology literature. The key to building strength in endurance training and sports are time periods of recovery and not just continuous overload of the body. Helen Richards  states that recovery periods are the body’s rest periods to adjust to new demands, restore and recuperate. It is fascinating that recovery periods are key to building strength training. Recovery periods may last up to 2-3 days after strenuous workout routines. There is  interesting research on pregnancy that   expenditure of energy by the female body during a pregnancy is equivalent to a high endurance athletic activity. A season of pregnancy requires periods of rest. Recovery is critical to endurance. If one were to apply this endurance training model, this pandemic, has been like continued strenuous training for nine months straight, not a day of recovery or rest. In the world of sports psychology, an athlete who is continuously driving himself or herself with strenuous exercise routines is setting himself/herself for failure, exhaustion, giving up and burn out. In the world of the pandemic, people have been living under very difficult circumstances with no break. It is no wonder people are exhausted and experiencing fatigue.
  12. Strength building through prayer,  reliance on faith , GOD and spirituality are critical. For me, God is a Source of Strength for things I need to do (action) and also rest (nonaction).  I heard about Thomas Moore’s book “A Religion of One’s Own” in Oprah Winfrey’s conversation with Thomas Moore in the Super Soul series. The book is beautiful as Moore discusses that religion is necessary,  personal, and speaks to our soul.  He states that everyone is born with  his or her individual spirituality (Divine Spark within us). It is as one my clients says that “we are all Baby Yodas”.I love Moore’s idea that everyday spiritual practices are opening doorways of the soul to the sacred and the Divine. Thomas Moore describes God as “Infinite” and “Unknowable” and beyond the rational mind. Moore argues that in creating your own religion, the “Infinite” and “Unknowable” nature of the Divine Source does not change, but, that we ascribe characteristics to God in developing our relationship with the Divine. When thinking about religion of one’s own, I think of a philosophy of living and developing relationship with the “Infinite” and “Unknowable”. For example, based on my walk with God, I see God as “endlessly faithful”. This is also reflected in the beautiful Gospel music sung by Elvis Presley, one of my favorite singers. Presley’s deep, gorgeous voice singing with strong emotions the songs, “Take my Hand, Precious Lord” and “You will Never Walk Alone”, is truly an inspirational experience for me. Creating a religion of one’s own does not mean discarding traditional beliefs but personalizing  our philosophy of life, developing our relationship with the Divine Source or ALL.. I also love Moore’s discussion of watching and immersing in Nature, which generates feelings of awe, majesty and wonder. This resonated with me as one of my coping mechanisms in this pandemic has been long walks and observation of nature. I never studied nature as closely as since pandemic started. The majesty of nature is stunning. Another spiritual experience is hugging loved ones.  Such spiritual experiences  strengthen our connection to our Higher Power. One of my clients described a powerful experience of unconditional love when she was feeling sad and her little dog leapt her in her lap and placed his head on her heart. It is what one of the women in my positive psychology classes called the “God Shot“. She said that without the “God shots” in her life, she would not have survived the difficulties in her life.

Conclusion: Duality of Endurance (Action versus nonaction)

The duality of building strength and endurance (action)versus rest (nonaction) is best captured by the saying Keep Calm and Carry on.   This poster was printed by the British government to boost morale of the public during World War II, where British population faced air attacks. Building strength and endurance is not just physical, but also psychological and spiritual. It is carry on, mind. body and soul. Rest is also critical to strength and endurance building. Rest and calmness are needed at all levels: physical, psychological and spiritual.

 Additional Note: Dear Readers, please feel free to post any  healthy strategies of endurance that you are using to endure.

Grief, Loss and Letting Go

Many Losses

This pandemic has been the year of grief, loss and letting go. There has been tremendous losses of lives due to COVID-19 and grief for their loved ones. Losses of fathers, mothers, children, brothers, sisters, grandparents and aunts. There is also shutting down of academic institutions, with a generation of youth navigating distance learning. Losses of businesses, jobs and homes. Losses of visions, aspirations and dreams. Losses  of social interactions in work place, classrooms, and family  gatherings. Many families are planning to have Thanksgiving dinner this year through zoom meetings . Pastors are giving powerful sermons, broadcast over internet, in empty churches and temples. Sports and athletic activities are suspended. About half the country lost their vision of political leadership after the elections. Doubt and fear abound about whether life will go back to pre-COVID-19 era.  

Bruce et al. (2011) conducted a study by interviewing patients experiencing terminal illness (Longing for ground in a groundless world: A qualitative inquiry of existential suffering). The study’s findings resonate deeply with the experience of loss.  They discussed  concepts, such as, groundlessness, taking refuge in the habitual by consciously turning away from the groundless experience at times  and living in between the space of  groundlessness and habitual world experienced by people facing death. They also talked about these ideas being applicable to the loved ones of the dying patient. This post will explore grief, loss and letting go in terms of  groundlessness, maintaining ground and letting go through the framework of Bruce et al.’s (2011) model and reflect on the experiences of  people who face losses, such as loved ones, homes, businesses and sense of selfhood and losses that have not yet been named  in this pandemic.  

Grief and Emotional Pain

Grief is possibly the most difficult human condition. Grief is experienced by each person differently. Some people grieve privately, whereas, others grieve publicly. Grief has cultural determinants. For example, in traditional cultural beliefs in India, when a woman looses her husband, she goes into mourning for a life-time where she only wears white sari, no jewelry and eats vegetarian foods. I saw  both my paternal and maternal grandmothers demonstrate this after the passing of my grandfathers.

When I lost my beloved mother about 9 years ago, it was deeply painful. The pain was realizing that  my ma is not  there for me to call, chat, hug, cry and laugh with or chit chat about the day. The excruciating nature of the emotional suffering is part of grieving. I was also struck by the depth of emotional pain in grief by Bishop T.D. Jake’s powerful and brilliant sermon that even Jesus, a Divine being, wept after the loss of His beloved friend, Lazarus. (Bible, John 11:35) .Somewhere in my catholic school classes, I remember one of my teachers stating that “Jesus wept” is the shortest sentence in the Bible. The teacher also shared that this sentence is powerful because it indicated Jesus’s humanity.  My teacher talked about  the honor of worshipping her Lord Jesus, who despite His Divinity, understood the painful nature of being human.. This is mind boggling that Jesus wept after experiencing  loss of Lazarus in His humanity, even though, He , in His Divinity, resurrected Lazarus from life to death. Jesus’s dual nature of Divinity and Humanity made His parables so beautiful, full of wisdom and compassion.

Grief and Groundlessness

Bryce et al. (2011) reported their participants describing experiences of groundlessness as marked by “shaken to the core”, “unhinged” and “emotionally frayed”. Some participants reported that the social sciences do not have words to capture this experience and so they turned to literature, religion and poetry for comfort.

From the perspective of psychology, we, as human beings, work hard to create grounding. Our sensory and perception systems make sense of the environment. Our brains are wired to recognize and record patterns and predict future scenarios based on past patterns. Our biological systems continually  maintain homeostasis in the body. We form relationships for support, growth, grounding  and create meaning and purpose in life. The experience of grief and loss is devastating because it throws us into groundlessness. In other words, the experience of grief and loss annihilates the very assumptions, balance  and order that we created and mapped onto our world. In groundlessness, uncertainty and the unknown abound.

In her book, The Places that Scare You, Pema Chodron , the Buddhist nun discussed the concept of groundlessness.  Groundlessness is frightening, unbalancing, full of uncertainty, unknowing and disorientating. She talks about the Buddha creating an experiencing of groundlessness when he pulls the rug under his students, meeting on a mountain retreat. As the students reached a deep state of meditation and wisdom, the Buddha, pulls the rug from under the students and students are plunged into an experience of groundlessness. The Buddha discusses that the ego tends to grasp to an understanding of reality, but, spiritual growth means letting go what we consider our reality.

After my mother’s passing, the spiritual truth that life is impermanent shook me to my core. I realized that things can change in a minute. I realized chasing or grasping for what I lost increased the emotional pain. I had regrets that three months before her death, ma talked about a sense of inner knowing that her time was coming to an end. I remember not taking her comments seriously. I remember being caffeinated and super busy, a Starbucks coffee latte in my left hand every day. One of my regrets is that I did not slow down and  spend as much time with her as I should have in those last months.

 

Grief and Maintaining Ground

The paradox is as we deal with the groundlessness of grief, we need to maintain some ground. Bruce et al. (2011) reported people consciously turning away from the experience of groundlessness for a while and seeking refuge  in the habitual world. Grounding in grieving for loved ones looks different for different people. Perhaps, habitual patterns in grounded includes making sure we eat appropriately, hydrate ourselves with fluids, sleep,  and seek support from our loved ones and leaning on our faith or Higher Power. Grounding is also paying bills, taking care of children and family, and maintaining job. Grounding means enduring day to day to make it. Grounding may mean seeking professional help if negative feelings are overwhelming.

My biggest grounding during the loss of my mother was leaning on God big time. The essence  of God as permanent and grounded is demonstrated by the Bible verse “For I am the LORD, I change not” (Malachi 3:6). I remember surrendering my mother to God where she is taken care of. I also remember the powerful words from the The Bhagavad Gita that human bodies are impermanent but our souls (atman) are indestructible.

I also know that grief and loss may led to anger and questioning of faith in God. Bruce et al. (2011) discuss people questioning their faith and asking God, “Why me” or “What is the justice in this”? This may need to be explored with pastors and clergy men as one walks through the grief process. 

The other concept that I learned from grief and loss is from the Bhagavad Gita’s discussion of the duality of the human experience. Seeking ground in a groundless world is an example of duality.  The Gita states that what brings us joy also brings us sadness and grief. Our loved ones, work, dreams that bring us bliss and happiness can also bring us grief and sadness when we face loss of these people and things. Therefore the yogic mind (discussed in another post)  in the Gita is detached from both happy and sad things.

In one of sessions with a very wise  client who was the facing loss of his beloved wife, we were talking about detachment due to his interest in  Tibetan  Buddhism. He said that this detachment idea sounds good but very boring. We both laughed. He is very right. Achieving or accessing what we are attached to is when we are super blissful. Conversely, the loss of the target of attachment results in despair and suffering. I am no where near the yogic mind of detachment. The attachment to my mother led my deep love for her. Loosing her was one of the most difficult times in my life.

Letting go

In the Harvard University Press Blog, Sharmila Shen   beautifully reflects on Rabindranath Tagore’s poem, “I wont’ Let You go”.

Rabindranath Tagore, the Bengali  Nobel Laureate, wrote about the human condition with honesty, tremendous clarity, love and compassion. He wrote about the complexity of darkness, shadows  and light in the human experience in simple language.  I find myself in tears after reading his poems or watching movies based on his novel and plays. As a  Bengali woman, I was introduced to songs of Tagore, by my parents while a child in Asansol, India.

One of Tagore’s gems is his poem “I Won’t Let You Go”. He  wrote about the timeless human cry, “I Won’t Let You Go”, especially one’s loved ones. Tagore experienced many losses in his life: his mother passed away when he was 14, in adulthood, he lost his sister-in-law, whom he was close to, his wife, two daughters and a son. Tagore wrote about the agonizing human cry to not let go as primal and perennial. Yet, he concluded that  we have to let go. He described his endless love for his daughter and his love refuses to let her go, fighting with all his strength to keep her near. He talked about his sadness, tears, and shattered pride as his love for her is defeated as he had to let her go. He talked about  separation in the human condition where a key  lesson in humanity is let go. He talked about living in an universe where we need to let go. He was also deeply spiritual and talked about his loved ones existing beyond life and death.

The Buddha stated “In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?”. I love this quote. However,  I have no recipe to let go, except it is something we must learn in the human condition. I think about letting go as a practice which we need to cultivate each day.  It is also hard as hell. Radical acceptance of reality after loss is key to letting go. This radical acceptance process in unique for each individual. Grief seems to be the pathway to open the door to let go of “what was” in order to meet “what is”.    “What is” may not as appealing as “what was”, but it is what we have to live in and work with.

Additionally, the practice of letting go may mean to not be afraid of negative feelings, but, sit with them, find healthy coping tools, support, and find safe places to weep and sob. Remembering the impermanence of feelings and nonjudgmental stance towards feelings is helpful.

I believe  that we never get over a grief and loss of a person, but, that we are transformed by the experience. We need to walk through the grief and loss. I worry about people who try to run away from the grief. Getting stuck in grief is painful too. Complicated bereavement requires meeting with mental health professionals to walk through the process.

Not letting go may have severe consequences, such as, fighting the demands of reality. It is like a child  screaming at the ocean, “Stop the waves” and “Get rid of the water”.

In 2020, many  people are grieving the loss of  “what was”.  Many people may have accepted “what is”. I believe there is peace in acceptance of “what is”, regardless of how messy it is. With radical acceptance of reality and walking through grief, we find renewed sense of purpose and meaning.

My prayer is God guides us in living in the   “in-between space” of groundlessness and maintaining ground as we walk through the grief process and finding new ground of meaning and purpose in letting go of “what was” to “what is”. My experience is my faith helped me tremendously in healing. Yet, a couple of months ago, I was at the temple and one of my ma’s favorite songs started playing in the background. I  cried like a five year old girl. Bittersweet tears: sweetness of my memories and sadness that I cannot call her when I get home. Yet, it is what it is. 

Truth and Reconciliation Commission: Healing a Divided Nation

The idea of effective and healing conversations among polarized groups for healing and stabilization of a country is not a new idea. Even though, I had read about Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s Truth and Reconciliation Council meetings (TRC) in South Africa several years ago, I remembered the effectiveness of these councils after listening to Dave Chappelle discuss the TRC in South Africa. Dave, in one of his shows, talked about Truth and Reconciliation Commission set up in South Africa by Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Nelson Mandela, after the end of apartheid in South Africa. The goal of the TRC was to heal an extremely divided nation under widespread systemic oppressive rule of apartheid, where people responded to each other with brutal violence. TRC was critical to healing South Africa and preventing a bloody civil war after apartheid ended.

Truth and Reconciliation Commission IN THE USA

The possible implementation for TRC in the United States to heal the racial division caused by institutionalized racism has been discussed by  Sarah Souli,  Bonny Ibhawoh and  Professor Olúfẹ́mi Táíwò.  TRC is a restorative justice program to allow people facing historic injustice to testify in public hearings to make this as part of public record in the hope that this does not happen again. Although there are still controversial aspects of TRC, the central aspect of TRC is truth telling, which we need so urgently in the United States.

But the question is whose truth is to be accepted. So TRCs are guided by four truths outlined in Truth and Reconciliation Commission:
1. Factual or forensic truth (actual incidents that occurred),
2. Personal and Narrative Truth (both victims and perpetrators telling their personal stories),
3. Social truth (dialogue truth where the the purpose is to transcend the divisions of the past and have conversations about complex issues facing people with the community psychology or ecological models, which examine not just a person’s behaviors but socio-cultural and political stressors impacting a person), and
4. Healing and Restorative Truth (where telling truths lead to recognition of humanity of all and healing conversations)

The other key aspect is that TRCS must include not just politicians, but, healers in the community, such as priests, ministers, psychologists, therapists, writers, social workers, and community leaders. Healers trained in working with collective trauma, grief and loss, are critical to the healing process. Archbishop Desmond Tutu talked about victims being supported by healers (ministers, social workers and therapists) before they told their stories in front of TRC. Archbishop Desmond Tutu talks about the injustice and suffering under apartheid but also healing South Africa by ending white supremacy  and transitioning to a democracy.  Archbishop Tutu also talks about the importance of story telling to heal. Like the Archbishop Tutu, I believe in the power of healing when people tell their stories in a safe place where they are heard and others witness their narration, naming of unspoken injustices or hurts often hidden in shadows for long periods of time. The act of bringing the injustice and suffering into the light from the depths of shadows is key to healing.. Only in the light, with the others’ empathy and compassion, healing begins. This is an important piece of the psychotherapy framework.

The Archbishop discussed that amnesty could be given to perpetrators who publicly shared their actions and asked for forgiveness by facing the people who suffered from their actions. Healing and reconciliation includes the important element of forgiveness. But the path of forgiveness is not easy or quick. Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Mphu Tutu, his daughter also wrote the Book of Forgiving, which outlined his steps to forgiveness. I will discuss Archbishop Tutu’s forgiveness model and current research findings in the psychology of forgiveness in later posts. In my discussions in forgiveness, I highlight Archbishop Tutu’s concepts that forgiveness does not mean condoning, pardoning, excusing, minimizing, denying and forgetting the injustice. It means a personal decision in consciously letting of your anger about the injustice. It also includes the choice of whether you want to continue in the relationship or release the relationship.

Despite some criticisms of the TRC process, many scholars argue that the effectiveness of TRC may have prevented a civil war after termination of apartheid in South Africa. Restorative justice enhances healing, as opposed to, retributive justice. Archbishop Tutu received the Nobel Prize in Peace in 1984.

The TRCs  have been adopted by more than 40 countries, such as Canada, New Zealand and Australia to address historic injustices, especially committed against indigenous people. (theconversation.com). I wonder about Truth and Reconciliation forums for divided camps in this country to start conversations on how to heal, lessen division and develop constructive conversations to address the huge crises and political and racial divisions facing our nation (theconversation.com). TRCs are more long-term pathways to start conversations for a divided nation to begin the healing process.

Reading Man’s Search for Meaning (Victor Frankl) in a Pandemic

Meaning and resilience.

Victor Frankl

The concept of creating meaning out of adversity is critical to resilience. Making meaning out of a situation also requires a level of acceptance of what is the reality and grieving and letting go of the previous reality. In Man’s Search For Meaning,  Victor Frankl,(1946) writes about his horrific experiences as a Jewish prisoner in concentration camp during the Holocaust.

Love

Frankl’s writing is very powerful as he writes about his experiences in the bleak and dark concentration camp and creating meaning in driving his will to survive in the circumstances of the camps. Frankl points to his focus and control over his internal psychological state and finding meaning which helps him endure and survive, despite the inhumane uncontrollable conditions of the camp which attempted to destroy his humanity, body and mind. Frankl vividly portrays his realization that his pre-concentration camp life was over when he asked a prison guard for safekeeping of a manuscript (his life’s work) and the guard threw it away as rubbish. Frankl maintains that his will to live and survive in the concentration camps was to tell the stories of such evil to the world so that this never happens again in the global community. He discusses that as his external circumstances became bleak, he focuses internally and begins to explore what is the core of humanity. He talks about his epiphany that the most profound aspect of humanity is love. He talks about the deep and lasting love for his wife that will continue and last whether he made it out of concentration camp or not. He pointed out that his love for his wife will last even if she had died in the concentration camps. Frankl concludes that his love for his wife is a major factor which helps him survive. He writes that love is the highest human

experience.

Honoring Values

Another key decision that Frankl made during his experiences in the concentration camp was that he accepts that he cannot change his external circumstances, but, he can control his reactions to the experience. One very powerful experience, he discusses is that being a physician, he was ordered by the military commander of his camp to help some Nazi soldiers with medical aid. Frankl narrates that the commander offered “perks” to him by offering him better conditions to live in after Frankl medically treats the the Nazi soldiers. Frankl writes that he refused better living conditions and went back to his previous living conditions. He reflects that despite the inhumane conditions of the camps, he values his connection and fellowship with the prisoners in his camp and this human contact has helped him endure the dire conditions of the concentration camps. He decides that he will not sacrifice his core values of treasuring the fellowship of the prisoners in his camp. He honors his value by staying with his fellow prisoners. He writes that he still has power to act  according to his values, despite the inhumane conditions of his environment.

Create Meaning to Live: Practice of Gratitude, Humor and Savoring

Frankl observed that prisoners, who did not create meaning in their lives, did not live. They lacked the will to live, lost purpose to fight to live and died. Frankl also created meaning in his experiences, such as, gratitude of observing snow briefly in the camps. He talks about the beauty of the snow sparkling in the sunlight and remembers the majesty of nature outside the camps. He writes about feeling gratitude when he is allowed to sit for a while and take a small break from the merciless toil in hard labor during long hours in the camp. He is grateful when a cook gave him a little extra soup in his bowl for dinner. He writes about the gratitude of hearing the haunting music of a violin that someone played in the shadows of the concentration camps.

Frankl talked about his fellowship with other prisoners where they used humor to laugh in moments of utter despair and hopelessness. Humor is powerful and healing. As one of the students in my positive psychology classes stated, even in horrid circumstances, humor and laughter is better than crying.

He discussed how he and his fellow prisoners talked about throwing elaborate dinner parties after they got out of the camps. They described elaborate dinner parties, seating arrangements, delicate silverware to serve food and who would and would not be invited to the party. Frankl talks about the delicious dishes that he and his fellow prisoners would make for the dinner parties after they are released from the camps. Frankly writes about cherishing his life before the concentration camps. He talks about relishing lingering memories of his previous life, such as, relaxing walks in the city, enjoying coffee at home, conversations with his wife and beauty of listening to music that sustained him in the camps. By savoring beautiful tender experiences of his past life and possible wondrous things in future scenarios, like dinner parties, Frankl wills himself to continue living in the camps. He convinces himself that it is important to endure the suffering in the camp and live because life has so much beauty to experience when he is released from the camps. He builds hope that despite the horrendous injustice and dark circumstances in the camp, life has the potential for much beauty and wonder that he can still experience when he gets out of the camp.

Like Victor Frankl, we have to find meaning and purpose to overcome the difficult circumstances of the pandemic: astronomical loss of lives due to COVID-19, economic crises and deep racial and political divisions in this country. We have to remember that this too shall pass and there is much beauty and love in the world beyond our current conditions. We have to deeply love  our loved ones and show gratitude for what blessings we have. It is all about love:  who we love, how we love.

POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY IN A PANDEMIC

The literature in positive psychology originated with the work of Dr. Martin Seligman, who argued that psychology is too focused on psychopathology and dysfunction. He called for the positive psychology movement to study what is optimal mental health. Seligman discusses his research suggesting that authentic happiness comes from living a meaningful and purpose driven  life. This is also very consistent with Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which discusses people’s perpetual search to create a meaningful narrative to understand life events and derive purpose from the narrative.

Sonya Lyubomirsky, another positive psychologist, suggests activities we can control and do in the present moment to maintain a sense of emotional well being. In the book “How of Happiness”, Lyubomirsky (2007) delineated a model of happiness where 50% of happiness levels are set according genetic variables, 10% of happiness depends on circumstances and 40% of happiness levels can be generated through practices. She also discussed the key concept that happiness is generated from inside a person. This is comforting news in a pandemic where the outside world is in turmoil. Lyubomirsky (2007)discusses some of her research based strategies to increase happiness levels. The discussion below includes applying strategies in positive psychology while living in a pandemic.

Present Focus

Intentional focusing on the present moment as it unfolds with curiosity, nonjudgement and compassion is healing. This focus on “now” is challenging because our minds tend to gravitate to the past or future. Past focus may include reviewing past incidents and beating ourselves about what we could have done differently. The essential factor in maintaining present focus is that what is done is done, and we cannot go back in time. Future focus engages in different unhelpful thinking styles, such as catastrophic thinking (thinking of worst case scenarios), reviewing different (what if scenarios) or fortune telling (trying to predict the future), which may increase anxiety and depression because we cannot accurately predict future. I would have never predicted in my wildest dreams of 2019 that 2020 is going to be the year of a pandemic.

Avoid overthinking, and social comparison

The techniques of acceptance, cognitive entanglement, cognitive diffusion , acceptance and practice of intentional action led to lesser likelihood in overthinking (see post ‘Gita-Power of Perspective and Calm Conversations”). Overthinking leads us away from the now.

Another key feature to avoid is social comparison. Social media, such as Facebook, can be a major source of social comparison .Most pictures in social media are people on vacation or in fun places. Never seen a picture of a person disappointed and feeling defeated in social media. Defeat, disappointment and tears are part of life too. Social media may leave someone feeling everyone is having a blast except him/her. I love the saying “Never compare your inside to someone else’s outside”. One thing I have learned as a psychologist is that many people wear masks in their roles due to partly social norms. One never knows anything about a person from his/her picture.

Social comparison  can be the root of envy, a toxic emotion. Envy is dangerous. When I think of envy, I think of Joseph and his brothers in the Bible, where Joseph’s brothers, so envious that Jacob loved Joseph the most,  left Joseph for dead. The experience of envy can be dark and may lead people to do things that are difficult to be conceived by a mind without jealousy.

Optimistic Thinking

This involves cultivating the idea that no matter the situation, what can I learn from the situation to make my life better. Another aspect of optimistic thinking is considering  even in horrible circumstances, are there any opportunities for growth? For example, Trung T. Phan @ Trung (April 2020) developed a twitter thread of some of the companies that did very well in the Great Depression: Electric Boat, Container Corp. of America, Truax Traer Coal, International Paper and Power and Spicer Manufacturing. These companies flourished in one of the most difficult economic times in our history.
Another example of optimistic thinking is that our nation has survived very difficult times such as the Great Depression, American Civil War. Thus, we will survive this crisis as well.

Spiritual/Religious Practice

This can be a powerful protective factor in dealing with difficult situations. Spiritual/Religious framework helps us create meaning for facing adverse situations, and helps us find spiritual strength to endure. Practices of stillness are powerful ways to detach from the busy world and rest mind, body and mind for periods of time.

Gratitude practice

Being grateful of what we have without being consumed with what we do not have is important to maintaining well being. Gratitude for waking up in the morning and having the day is important given current events. One practice I recommend for my clients is gratitude for three things when they wake up in the morning. Again, prayer of thankfulness is important in many religious and spiritual traditions.

Maintaining social connections

Maintaining social connections, especially relationships, that are nurturing and leave you feeling replenished, are critical. George Valliant ran the Harvard Study on Adult Aging for more than three decades. The study followed male Harvard students and boys in an inner- city neighborhood for over 75 years. In the book, “Aging Well”, George Valliant (2002) concluded that the most significant predictor of happiness and success in life was warm interpersonal relationships. He equated happiness with love. The study is currently being conducted by Dr. Robert Waldinger.

My personal experience is that finding authentic friendships is difficult. I used to be an avid watcher of the Oprah Winfrey television show. I remember Oprah making a comment that if you have one or two people who have your back, you are blessed. I agree with this statement.

Powerful emotional connections include people’s love of pets. I have heard countless stories about the nurturing unconditional love and connection that people have with their pets. Many people have talked about the ease of connection with animals because they are more transparent, honest, loyal, capable of unconditional love and not manipulative, like people. I have heard the comment “I would not be here today without my dog” countless times in therapy sessions.

Rest and Self-care: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical

The paradoxical relationship between rest and productivity is very interesting.
I remember Ariana Huffington first talking about rest. Alex Soojung Kim Pang (2016)called his book, “Rest: Why do you get more done when you work less”. Interestingly, Issac Newton came up with his three laws of motion in his twenties, while he was sent home from Cambridge University because the Great Plague of London forced Cambridge to shut down the college campus (Gillian Brockwell, 2020) .
Rest is critical for wellbeing, health and productivity. People have their own individualized meanings about what rest means to them. For some of my clients, rest is cooking, hiking in nature or working on their cars. For others, rest is catching up on sleep. Getting rest is a skill to be discovered and cultivated. It turns out that overwork and burnout is not ideal for wellbeing and health.

Kindness

Random acts of kindness can create positive feelings. Self compassion, or kindness to oneself is also critical. I find that many people find it easier to forgive others than themselves. We are more critical and unforgiving of ourselves and forget our humanity, which means imperfection. Kristin Neff has done a lot of work in self compassion (self-compassion.org) . She talks about self compassion includes not judging the self with harshness in difficult times, but, maintaining the realization that being human means imperfections, suffering and mistakes. Kristin Neff differentiates between self-compassion from self-pity. She describes self-pity as immersing the self into one’s own suffering so deeply (egocentric in nature) that one feels isolated and disconnected from others and does not maintain the understanding that suffering is part of the human condition. As many philosophers have stated that the experience of suffering binds us human beings.

Flow: Meaningful activities

Controlling what we can change means focusing on activities which are meaningful and fulfilling. Meaningful activities may lead to experiences of flow, a concept developed by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. In ” The Psychology of Optimal Experience” (2008), Csikszentmihalyi describes flow as state of consciousness, marked by deep enjoyment, creativity and experience of living life fully. These are experiences where a person seems to merge with what they are engaged in such a profound oneness that he or she is lost in time and experiences deep joy. I have heard about the magnificence of flow from the painters and writers. In teaching positive psychology classes, a woman in her eighties, who is taking care of her ill husband, stated that her joy and healing from exhaustion is gardening. She discussed being in her garden for 3-4 hours a day, totally immersed in the gardening process, experiencing a deep sense of satisfaction and joy. Another of my students stated that after losing her best friend a few years ago, she has been actively doing things, such as, traveling (this was pre-COVID-19), going to workshops, and reading what she put off for years. She said she did this to honor her friend who talked of such things but never had the chance to do so. This was her flow experience.

Grit: Endurance

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We work hard for what we value. “In Grit: the Power of Passion and Perseverance”, Angela Duckworth (2018) talks about the idea of grit, which is when people remain dedicated, passionately committed and work hard on long-term projects without being distracted. I am a big believer that long-term relationships require grit. I also believe that religious or spiritual practice require grit. Herbert Simon discussed that in order to develop expertise in an area, a person has to engage in practice in the field at minimum of ten years.

Creating meaning and resilience.

The concept of creating meaning out of adversity is critical to resilience. In the book, “The Happiness Advantage,” Shawn Achor (2010) discusses the concept of “falling up” which refers to people who experience adversities and bounce back to higher levels of functioning. One of my very good friends told me about the majestic eagle. The eagle is one of the few birds which run into storms and use the strength of the whirling storms to reach greater heights until the eagle rises above the storm and glides effortless on the winds of the storms.

A great example of resiliency is the story of Bill Wilson, one of the founders of Alcoholic Anonymous. Bill Wilson, influenced by Carl Jung’s idea that any effective treatment of addiction requires a spiritual component, utilized this spiritual component to attain recovery from alcoholism. In the website speakingofjung.com, Carl Jung  conceptualized that addiction to alcohol is like a thirst for wholeness and this thirst can only be met through a spiritual or religious experience (union with God). In his attempt to help other people struggling with alcoholism, Bill Wilson started the twelve step program, Alcoholic Anonymous. He clearly used his struggle for recovery and resiliency as motivation to start a worldwide movement to help others struggling with addiction. Bill Wilson created his recovery to create meaning and purpose to help others.

It is comforting that positive psychology argues that creating meaning, purpose and happiness are internally motivated. This is very helpful when the pandemic has shut much of the outside world.

In many eastern cultures and Buddhist traditions, a lotus flower symbolizes rebirth, regeneration, enlightenment and growth of human consciousness. Even, as lotus flowers are rooted in muddy, dirty waters, they flower with incredible beauty and sturdiness . Perhaps, we too, will valiantly bloom like lotus flowers from our turbulent waters.

SERENITY PRAYER AND ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY

Laurie Goodstein’s (2009) article on the Serenity Prayer  discussed that researchers credit Reinhold Niebuhr  as the author of the serenity prayer. The serenity prayer, embraced by many, is asking God to give us the strength to change the things we can change, the serenity to accept the things we cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. This idea is very similarly articulated by the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) framework developed by Steven Hayes in the 1980s. In ACT, people are asked to identify all the factors in a situation they can change, identify factors that are out of their control.  The ACT model teaches people to practice radical acceptance of what is beyond our control.  One of the goals of ACT is to increase people’s psychological flexibility, as impermanence and change are key features of the human condition.

Beyond Control

As a human being, we have to acknowledge there are things in  our lives, we cannot control. One of things we cannot control is exact length of our lifelines. We can certainly engage in health and wellbeing  practices, such as, eating  healthy meals, participating in exercise routines. However, when the exact time  for us to exit from the world in unknown. The emerging pandemic of COVID-19 raises the ugly reality that mortality is beyond human control. It is like thunder and lightning disturbing the the human delusion (called Maya in the Gita) that we have forever. The COVID-19 pierces to the truth that no one, despite his/her wealth, educational achievements, political power or business empires, is immune to mortality. The reality is that the human condition includes mortality. It is terrifying to a control freak like myself, but, I remind myself that “it is what it is” and I surrender to the Divine. I remind myself of the mantra of surrendering the uncontrollable to the Divine. The mantra is “Let Go and Let God”. I have learned this  mantra from my clients in recovery.

Control

However, this realization of mortality also revitalizes me to live each day fully and gloriously. The truth is some days are glorious and some are frankly not. But, I realize that I must make most of the time I have, especially getting through COVID-19. I remember reading somewhere a writer commenting that “I can make it through anything difficult and horrible, just tell me how long it will last”. I wholeheartedly agree. The tricky part of COVID-19 is that no one knows when the end is. When the lockdown started in March 2020, I was optimistic that the pandemic would be under control by summer of 2020. We are nowhere near the end. Devastatingly high  losses of human life continue. I read mixed speculation that COVID-19 will not be under control by Fall 221. Some write Fall 2022. Some even speculate that the end will possibly be in Fall 2024. I usually briskly walk away from conversations where someone mentions end of COVID 19 is in 2024.

As the turbulence and devastating times continue, my mantra is “one day at a time”  , something I have also learned from clients in recovery who participate in Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) groups). “One day at a time” means keeping my focus on what I need to complete in the day, practice  mindfulness and actively remind myself  of my faith (God is with me in this), practice gratitude for the blessings in my life, love my loved ones and practice the best I can in do in teaching and psychotherapy.  It means practicing safety measures and continue through the day.

The realization that I, like others, are mortal beings means finding my voice. . It means speaking my mind  even if this means I am not backed by anyone else in the room . It means verbalizing ugly truths in friendships  where I am not honored for who I am. I am not patient any more in dishonest friendships. I refuse to falsely agree with someone else to maintain a discussion. I am quick to disagree if I have different beliefs. It means that seeking peace and honoring myself  even if it means solitude at times. It means being mindful of fatigue, hunger, and emotional exhaustion which can  lead to poor judgment and actions with negative consequences. It also means practicing rest for  mind, body and spirit. Another realization for me is to practice compassion and kindness for others, appreciation of people who have supported me throughout my life. It also means extending kindness not just to others, but also to myself. It also means finally starting this blog, something I have pondered for a long time.

I believe in spiritual sustenance. This means actively reminding myself that I, like other people,  are spiritual beings made by God, as discussed in the Bible, Gita and other holy books. One thing I know for sure is that God and fear cannot co-exist. As spiritual beings in human bodies,  anchored in the Divine Lord of the Universe, we cannot succumb to fear in any battle, whether it be COVID-19 or economic recession or racial injustice. We have to continue living one day at a time and facing the challenges as they arise. It is as Winston Churchill stated on the eve of World War II, “never give in, never give in, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense” (www.prezi.com>churchhill-never-give-in). We have control over our choice to continue.

GITA: THE POWER OF PERSPECTIVE AND CALM CONVERSATIONS

Lord Krishna, a manifestation of the Divine Lord in the Universe (in the Gita), talks about the importance of mental training or perspective when we are faced with difficult situations. For example, Arjuna says “ O, Kesava, it is easier to control the wind than to try and control the fickle, unsettling, dominant and suborn mind” (The Bhagavad Gita, Ch. 6:34). Lord Krishna addresses Arjuna’s question that despite the restlessness of the mind, there are techniques to control the mind so that it is not swayed by the circumstances and senses. Lord Krishna articulates that the human mind is difficult to control, but, it can be controlled with “practice and disentanglement” (The Bhagavad Gita, Ch. 6:35). Lord Krishna, thousands of years before the rise of modern cognitive-behavioral therapy, stated, “Whether one attains elevation or degradation through one’s mind depends on oneself only, for the mind can be one’s friend or one’s foe.” (The Bhagavad Gita”, Ch. 6:5). Lord Krishna is referring to developing a mindset for difficult circumstances. Lord Krishna, in the Gita, talks about how spiritually evolved people maintain a calmness and equanimity in the midst of either extreme happy or futile and sad circumstances or faced with friends or foe. Lord Krishna talks about mental equanimity being like a calm ocean, rising above the duality of extreme emotions and focusing on the Divine and one’s purpose. Cultivating the yogic mindset and recognition of the Divine Spark in all human beings, is critical in having calm conversations and finding common ground with people, especially people who have diverse viewpoints. The identification of common ground is critical in addressing the crises facing us today.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)Model

The primary assumption of CBT model developed by Aaron Beck (1960s) is that our thoughts are main drivers of our emotions and behaviors. In CBT, unhelpful thinking styles, cognitive distortions, lead to negative emotions and maladaptive behaviors. One of the main treatment challenges is identifying maladaptive thoughts which trigger negative emotions and challenge the distorted thinking.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Modern CBT models, like Acceptance and Commitment (ACT) therapy developed by Steven Hayes (1980s), integrated mindfulness strategies into CBT ideas, with overall goal of developing psychological flexibility . According to ACT, psychological flexibility is key to dealing with the changes in life, since human life is marked by impermanence. Mindfulness practices in psychotherapy (ACT) may include observation of thoughts without judgment, but curiosity and compassion as thoughts arise and dissipate as waves. Mindfulness practices reduce reactive behavior and increase intentional action. Mindfulness has been prevalent for thousands of years in Eastern philosophy/religion (Buddhism and Hinduism) and Christian contemplative traditions.

Radical Acceptance

Mindful practices have been important in observation of thinking patterns with the understanding that we need to accept and embrace that both positive and negative thoughts and feelings will arise in the human experience. Thoughts, positive or negative, arise and dissipate, like waves in the ocean.

 

Cognitive Detanglement

Cognitive detanglement (ACT) is observation of unhelpful thoughts and letting them go without entanglement to reduce suffering. Entanglement with unhelpful thoughts is like fighting to get out of water with underlying heavy currents. The more you fight, the deeper you sink.

 

Cognitive Defusion

According to ACT, the practice of cognitive defusion is that we cannot believe everything we think.  We need to realize that thoughts are by products of a restless mind and thus we cannot give them power to reign over our behaviors. We need to realize some thoughts are more reliable than others. We need to decipher which thoughts to empower and which ones to dissipate. The ideas of acceptance, cognitive detanglement and cognitive defusion can be important tools to prevent sinking in unhelpful thinking, like turbulent waves.



Sitting with Discomfort with No Reaction

Once we are skilled observers of our thoughts and feelings, like waves in the ocean, we can choose to observe thoughts and feelings arise to reach a peak and dissipate. We can let go of certain thoughts and feelings without need to react to everything. Sitting with feelings, like anger, when someone hurts you is very difficult.  I would love to shred to pieces people who have said  hurtful words to me. But, my goal is to practice stillness when in emotional turmoil. Sometimes I can maintain nonreactivity in my personal life, but not always. (I will discuss strategies of sitting with negative feelings in later post). Living a life of constant, mindless reactions to outside events or internal thoughts/feelings can be exhausting. We need to recognize we are not our thoughts and feelings.

Intentional Action

Without reaction, we have the option of intentional action, action based on contemplation. We then also have the freedom to pick our battles. We become, like skilled surfers, choosing which waves to surf and which ones to let go.

Gita and the Yogic Mind

Lord Krishna, in the Gita, talks about how spiritually evolved people maintain a calmness and equanimity in the midst of either extreme happy or futile and sad circumstances or faced with friends or foe.  Lord Krishna talks about mental equanimity being like a calm ocean, rising above the duality of extreme emotion and focusing on the Divine and one’s purpose. Cultivating the yogic mindset and recognition of the Divine Spark in all human beings, as discussed by Lord Krishna in the Gita, is critical in having  calm conversations

without reactivity and finding common ground with people, especially people who have diverse viewpoints. The identification of common ground among people with diverse points is critical in addressing the crises facing us today.

Yogic mind versus the untrained (very human) mind

As a human being, I realize the difficulty of developing the yogic mindset. I find myself very reactive when I hear people who argue that COVID-19 is a hoax.  This is something  I do not understand. I believe that the pandemic is real and wearing mask and social distancing are safety measures.

It is very difficult to understand others and maintain equanimity to people, whose ideas, I totally cannot fathom.  I am far behind in Lord Krishna’s advice in the same behavior and approach to all. However, I wonder as a divided nation, we need to actively cultivate skills to practice “namaste” or “pranam” so that conversations among diverse groups can happen to effectively deal with the crises confronting us

Faith in God-The Bhagavad Gita, The Bible and The Pandemic

FAITH in GOD

As a spiritual person, my faith in God has been a key feature in dealing with the pandemic. My spiritual beliefs are influenced by my Hindu background, attending Catholic school for many years  and studying Buddhist practices, especially the application of Buddhist ideas in psychology. Therefore, both theistic traditions, Hinduism and Catholicism, and atheistic tradition, Buddhism have influenced my spiritual belief systems.

I learned about “The Bhagavad Gita” (Holy book of Hinduism) from my mother, Anuradha Ganguly. She described  “The Bhagavad Gita” as very powerful and soothing in difficult circumstances. “The Bhagavad Gita” is a segment in the great epic Indian poem, “Mahabaratha.” “The Bhagavad Gita,” often translated as “Song of God” is essentially a conversation between a human soul (represented by Arjuna) and the Divine Lord of the Universe, manifested as Lord Krishna.

Additionally, having a background in catholic school, I have also studied portions of the Bible, Biblical figures, like David, Moses, Abraham and Sarah. Biblical figures, like David (my favorite), also grounded themselves in their faith in God. Although, I have valued spirituality in life, now I choose everyday to be anchored in God. The God I pray to is an Universal Consciousness, permeating through every atom and molecule, creating and binding all that exists. It is the unnamable, incomprehensible, mysterious, faithful, fiercely loving, fearless, Divine Consciousness, which is capable of accomplishing the impossible, which the human mind cannot conceive. Yet, the Divine Consciousness also exists in the daily details of our days. My God has many names and is beyond one religion or practice. For me, the most powerful attunement to this Divine Consciousness is prayer. Prayer means honest reflection and introspection. Sometimes this can be painful as I look at how I could have handled things better. Prayer can at times include brutal honesty. I figure no point in lying to God as God knows anyway. Prayer can calm the storms inside me, allowing some clarity. In the middle of chaos, I have also experienced moment of stillness and serene silence, resonating that “everything will be okay”.

THE BHAGAVAD GITA

The Gita begins  as Arjuna (member of Pandava family) wrestles with painful feelings of uncertainty, doubt, fear and regret that he is being asked to fight the enemy, the Kauravas, who are his cousins, uncles and other close relatives. In the first setting of the Gita, Arjuna surveys the battleground, utterly distressed about the possibility of killing relatives that he grew up with and loved, in case of a battle. Arjuna prays for guidance to Lord Krishna, which transforms into a conversation with Lord Krishna.

The Gita is not just a religious book, but, a powerful metaphor for the human experience,( The Gita) . Gaur Gopal Das states that, like Arjuna, every human being faces situations marked by distress, seemingly insurmountable difficulties, confusion, anxiety and intense suffering. Like Arjuna, many of us in our current times are faced with much distress and confusion .The events of our times in 2020 are tumultuous:

  • Pandemic of COVID-19

  • The Center of Systems Science and Engineering – (John Hopkins )John Hopkins University -SSEC)  reported over 41 million people having diagnosis of  COVID-19 globally and 1,135,790 deaths related to COVID-19 globally.

  • CDC Tracking of COVID-19According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, there have been more than 8 million cases of COVID-19 in the United States since January 2020. There has been 221,438 deaths due to COVID-19 in the United States since January, 2020. The human factor associated with these statistics is tremendous. Each of these individuals, who died from COVID-19, was someone’s loved one. The experience of such devastating grief and loss is tremendous. The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in life because it is the loss of the great love we had for the person (psychologytoday.com) In the October 2020 Oprah magazine, Oprah uses the words of her friend, Richie Jackson, who discussed a nation in mourning. I will extend this and state the world is in mourning. One of my very wise clients said after losing his wife of many years to terminal illness, he faced the greatest question of his life: give up or live. He said that he made the decision to live and this decision was greatly motivated by the people in life who loved him.

  • Economic Recession, unemployment, homelessness

    In June 2020, the World Bank (worldbank.org) forecast that this year has shown the deepest recession in world economy since World War II. In a study on homelessness related to the pandemic, Dr. Brandon O’Flaherty, an economic professor at Columbia University, predicted a possible increase of 40-45% homelessness in 2020 due to rising rates of unemployment. This projection included an  estimated additional 250,000 people being homeless in 2020 than in 2019. The rate of unemployment rose to 14.7% in 1/ 2020, not seen since the Great Depression (Bureau of Labor Statistics Data).  There is a huge hunger crisis in  America,  such that 14 million children regularly skip  meals, three times more than the Great Recession and five times more than before the pandemic.

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  • Escalation of conflict in

    in race-related matters stemming from our history of institutionalized racism is a prominent issue.

  • Climate changes

    resulting in widespread fires in the West coast and more severe hurricanes in other parts of the country.

  • Mental Health challenges

    . On top of this global pandemic, people are facing their personal struggles, fears, the resurfacing of past traumas, physical and mental health problems. The Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (Mental Health, Substance Use and Suicidal Ideation During COVID-19 Pandemic,-Unites States, June 24-30, 2020), published by the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention , conducted survey research of 5,479 adults in United States during June 24-30, 2020. Respondents reported three times more anxiety disorders and four times more depressive disorders than 2019. The report stated that 25% of the respondents reported trauma and stress related disorders due to COVID-19. One out of ten people reported starting or increasing use of substances to deal with stress of COVID-19. Twice as many respondents reported serious consideration of suicidal ideation over last 30 days than in 2018.

  • Country with deep divisions

    about what good leadership looks like and credibility of scientific research. The fervor of attacks against scientific data about corona virus and climate science reminds me of the early church’s persecution of Galileo after his mathematical work pointed to a heliocentric cosmology (earth revolves around sun). Galileo’s model of cosmology challenged the early church’s concentric view of cosmology where all celestial bodies circled earth. Despite the persecution of Galileo by the early church, Galileo was right is his mathematical conclusions. It is important to note that Galileo was placed under house arrest due to his work. Sadly, Dr. Anthony Fauci, one of the leading infectious disease specialists in the country, reported receiving death threats after warning the country about rising rates of COVID-19.

Like Arjuna, we are faced with sharp divisions in our families and friends about future of the nation. Division of the country is further solidified my politicization of media outlets, where certain media outlets are promoting specific political viewpoints. I have friends with differing political opinions about what is best for the country. Despite the different opinions, I find that people on both camps are driven from a deep love for the United States. I connect with people based on their  love of the country. As an immigrant teenager coming to the United States at age 15 with my family, the American dream embedded in my heart, America is my beloved country and I want the best for the USA. In my heart, I am a humanitarian and my hope is that humanity will overcome this.

Faced with mortality

As a psychologist, I see that most of my clients and people I know are confronted with mortality, a basic human condition. We have no control over mortality. No one knows when it is time to go. In a pre-COVID 19 world, many of us had developed a false sense of control: we can order online through iPhone and computers a range of items such as, food, clothes, pizza, entertainment. Companies, like Amazon, deliver packages at our doorstep. Advances in medicine and biotechnology facilitate people living longer, such that, more Americans are living longer and healthier lives,  known as the longevity revolution. The longevity revolution contributed to abundance of positive aging research articles, which discusses strategies of healthy aging. Then, comes this coronavirus, invisible, and potent and leads to the realization that we have no control over our mortality. Most people that I know talk  about death of self or loved ones. As a psychologist, I have to be mindful of my own fears of loss and maintain boundaries, as my clients explore their fears (e.g. dying alone with COVID-19, losing loved ones, dying and leaving behind minor children). People report shock of young people dying from COVID-19, when the person had no idea they had contracted the virus. Death and dying is a common topic in  conversations since the pandemic started.

Dr. Mendoza wrote in Psychology Today about the positive death movement, which  attempts to bring the taboo subject of death and dying from out of the dark into the light  for education, awareness and support. This has led to coffin clubs and death cafes where people can join for support and knowledge about death and dying.

Fears about death and dying are still prevalent. Yesterday, I had a flare-up of allergy symptoms and for a moment the possibility of COVID-19 impacting me crossed my mind. I resorted to using positive self talk to calm myself.

Our world and nation are in s state of mourning. Grief and loss are very painful human experiences that many people are experiencing from the collective trauma of the pandemic.

WALK BY FAITH, NOT SIGHT (BIBLE)

In times such as now, with predictions of a dark winter with surging rates of COVID-19, I reflect on my mother’s unshakeable faith in God in the middle of storms. I reflect on my previous choices to stand in faith and lean on a very steadfast and faithful God, who has led me out of many storms in my life. As stated in the Bible, walk by faith, not sight, especially when one cannot see (2 Corinthians 5:7, Bible). Bishop T. D. Jakes describes that one cannot see in the storms and that is where faith in God has to lead. Biblical figures, like David relied on his  faith in God to fight Goliath. Moses relied on his faith in God to lead his people out of slavery in Egypt.

I also remind myself of Gaur Gopal Das words, that as spiritual beings, we are bigger than our problems. However, I have no idea about the uncharted road ahead of us. My guess is that neither Arjuna, David, Moses, Abraham, Apostle Paul or Sarah  did not know the course of their battles. They had faith in God. We must have faith in the Greatness, Goodness, Grace and Mercy of God in leading us through these difficult times